Breaking Through An Old Narrative

By: Reneé Blanchard

I am not a great student, and at 40, I finally learned why. I am dyslexic. Building my business, I learned day in and day out that my brain sees the world and understands ideas and solutions in different ways than most people. While being back in college full-time has been an amazing experience, it also has brought up old narratives I may need to learn from again. 

 I didn’t know I could learn about Organic Chemistry and be very into it at 43. In fact, I’m doing quite well in the class. That is astonishing to me. I’ve taken Statistics, Microbiology, and Advanced Micronutrients, receiving A’s in classes I never thought I would even find interesting. It is a beautiful reminder that life is full of unexpected surprises and that, as a person, you are changing and growing all the time. But that food service planning class? Not so much.

 And it’s literally the business I built out of no experience and have kept the door open and profitable for over a decade. The feelings I experienced as a kid of not getting great grades but trying so hard have returned to me this semester. That feeling of being dumb is back. It doesn’t matter that I can understand the nuances of new ideas and topics relatively quickly. It doesn’t matter that I see connections and fit together puzzle pieces of ideas and concepts in a blink of an eye. It doesn’t matter that I am skilled in many things. It doesn’t matter that I know without a doubt that I am not dumb. Today, all those feelings are washing over me again. 

Look at how stupid I am. I misunderstood half the questions on a test. I’ve argued with professors on the wording of their questions, saying that is not what this question says. They say I just don’t understand the subject. But I know it's not true. My brain doesn’t work like their brain does. I have 43 years of experience saying I’m not dumb. But when I misunderstand so many things that depend on my final grade, it’s hard to stay tethered to the truth. 

Trying to break through an old narrative is infuriating and heartbreaking. It is difficult work and a long process. When you are in the middle of doing some hard emotional work, all the old things shitty people said to you come flooding back.  And all the shitty things you said to yourself when you were a different person at a different time in your life also come flooding back. Those first few memories and thoughts seem to come out at full speed from some tomb you forgot even existed.

I don’t have any wise words to share. I’m in the mud today, working through these old thoughts  I haven’t seen in years. Trying to remember that my brain is different, and thank fucking god. This dyslexic brain of mine is a goddamn gift, and I get to see a world that many people will never know about. And it is a beautiful life to have. But today, when I get a C on an exam where I know the information, it doesn’t feel like it. 

As I start applying to graduate school, knowing I have another 3 years of higher education ahead of me as I try to build a new business in a new industry, the thoughts rolling around are about what program is going to accept me when I see the same set of words and think something completely different than its intent. That I make different types of connections than those who are easily passing these exams. 

The other day in class, we were giving presentations. The student presenting said, “It was like the walls in here.” I looked at the wall ahead of me and understood. Then she described it, and it looked nothing like the wall in front of me. I turned around, and in fact, the wall behind me was nothing like the wall in front of me. The same classroom and one of the walls were totally different. She didn’t see the wall behind her and was confused why I didn’t understand. I didn’t see the wall behind me and was confused about how she described it. We weren’t having the same experience and didn’t understand why. This is what happens all the time. When you are young and don’t have much life experience, you think teachers and adults really do have the answers. As you become an adult, you realize they only know what they think they know. And that might not always be what they know. It might just be that that’s the only way they can communicate it. These grades and test questions are based on the professor's understanding but also on their skill in being able to talk about the subject. 

I don’t think you just break an old narrative and never return to it. There is no magic set of things to do or ways to think to change a narrative that no longer works for you. Those thoughts come back again and again. And sometimes the new you is like, not today. And sometimes the new you is like, well, maybe you’re right. I think you just ride that wave a little differently each time. You see old narratives from different perspectives depending on the day. Some days you know better, and other days you forget. For me, today is not easy, and it is not clear, and I have forgotten what I have learned from experience. I guess I’ll have to see what happens tomorrow.